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Quotes Tagged Jack
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
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Tags: Jack Benny

Growing old is a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
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The honor of my race, family and self is at stake. Everyone is expecting me to do big things. I will. My whole body and soul are to be thrown recklessly about the field. Every time the ball is snapped, I will be trying to do more than my part...Fight low, with your eyes open and toward the play. Watch out for crossbucks and reverse end runs. Be on your toes every minute if you expect to make good. Jack.
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Tags: Jack Trice

Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at important business meetings.
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Tags: Jack Handey

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand,' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'
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If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
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Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
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I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
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I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
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If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
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